Episode Two

Scene One. Babs as before on the telephone.

Babs

As I say, it certainly sounds like a genuine Picasso, Martin, but I would have to see it to be sure. Bye.

She looks at the phone and puts it down, smiling. Enter Berta, a Babs look-alike, but brunette where Babs is blonde.

Berta! You look marvellous! So you’re out of intensive care!

Berta

I told Doctor Spencer I had to get back and help you out in the shop, so he cured me. So here I am. Ha ha ha.

They laugh.

Babs

Coffee, or are you still on your diet?

Berta

Oh, diet be blowed! Ha ha.

Babs

Mrs Overall!

She enters immediately.

Mrs Overall

Well, if it isn’t Miss Berta!

Berta

Hello, Mrs O. How’s widowhood treating you?

Mrs Overall

Mustn’t grumble. I sometimes think being widowed is God’s way of telling you to come off the pill.

Berta

Still the same Mrs O!

Mrs Overall

Well, this coffee won’t get made on its own.

They all pause, realising a line has been missed.

Babs

Oh yes, two coffees, thank you.

Berta

No milk for me.

Mrs Overall

Well, this coffee won’t get made on its own.

Exit Mrs Overall.

Babs

And a plate of your delicious home-made gingerbread, please. Bet you didn’t get that in intensive care.

Berta

Oh, I don’t know. Money talks, even in hospital, Babs. And though of course it was a dreadful shame Daddy being shot like that in Dhaka, being a millionairess does have its compensations.

Enter Mrs Overall with a tray full of scummy coffee and biscuits

Mrs Overall

Here we are. It’s awfully quiet in here. Anybody would think you were talking about million-pound legacies or something.

Babs

Good heavens, no.

Berta

Oh, come on Babs. Mrs O’s practically one of the family. Daddy’s gone and got himself shot in Dhaka, Mrs O.

Mrs Overall

Oh, and he’d only just got over that chill on his kidneys. Well you know what I think?

Berta

What?

Mrs Overall

I think you better have some milk in your coffee after all! Ha ha.

Berta

I think I had! Ha ha.

They laugh.

Scene Two. Babs and Berta pouring over blank papers at the desk.

Berta

Yes, that’s much better. If we deliver these antiques on Friday morning, we can take delivery of these antiques in the afternoon.

Babs nods, having no dialogue but waiting for someone to enter. Enter Derek, the handyman.

Derek

Excuse me, Miss Babs and Miss Berta, could I have a word?

Babs

Well, if it’s to ask me for another job for your untrustworthy cousin Jacob, then the answer’s no. His last little escapade cost me thirty-two pounds in French polish. Not to mention apologising to every Asian grocer between here and Manchesterford.

Derek

No, it’s not that – it’s your father, Miss Berta, he’s been seen in the Post Office.

Berta

But my father’s dead!

Back to close-up of Derek.

Derek

He was buying a TV licence stamp and a padded envelope.

Cast

Babs

Celia Imrie

Mrs Overall

Julie Walters

Clifford

Duncan Preston

Bertha

Victoria Wood

Derek

Kenny Ireland

First shown on Victoria—Wood As Seen on TV on BBC2 in January 1985.