I never wanted to say "nig-nog".
I was never keen on "Paki",
But thereís a term Iím rather fond of,
Or "capitalist lackey"
I thought was rather tacky.
And to use it I do hanker.
Itís not heard in Casablanca.
That little word is "wanker".
As a term itís had its chips.
They say itís not correct,
They say itís too direct.
If it is never heard,
That very special word
He is a little self abusive.
His mitts are always in his nix.
He writes for Masturbation Weekly.
He prefers to jiggle solo.
To a bag of Pick íní Mix.
He prefers his own last Rolo
When opportunity occurs,
If youíre buying him a present,
But donít bother wrapping hers.
His íní Hers things can be pleasant,
Iíve never wanted to say "Fart Face".
I donít find "arse hole" too appealing.
But political correctness
It depends with whom youíre dealing,
And itís just a personal feeling,
But I donít like how it sounds,
Has taken hold just like a canker.
I would like to nick a tanker
And run down that stupid wanker
Who has put it out of bounds.
Alright, itís not correct.
But please reflect,
Are there some other ways?
Is there another phrase
His scrotum isnít used to strangers.
There are no condoms on his shelf.
Heíll never need a big address book,
When his tones caress and soften,
He is talking to himself.
When he asks díyou come here often,
Cos all his friends are in his flies.
A dick may sometimes disappear,
Or buy you polyester ties.
But it wonít drag you round IKEA,
And if itís not correct,
I feel I must reject
Though it may make you squirm,
To use another term
His favourite film is Brief Encounter.
He has the tissues standing by.
His wrists keep very fit and active.
He thought Get Shorty was just silly.
And itís easy to see why.
He was mad about Free Willy.
Theyíll never need to join a gym.
He has no need of a friend or neighbour.
He can toss without a caber
The world is full of different people.
Some are moral. Some are heinous.
And as the world turns through a new day,
Some are ugly, some like Venus.
Some take photos of their penis.
We all have our different acts,
We know that bankers will be banking.
Harassed mothers will be spanking.
No doubt wankers will be thanking
You and me for facing facts.