Cosmetic Surgery

Little shop. A dim girl is behind the counter. Enter a female customer.

Girl

Can I help you?

Customer

I saw your advert.

Girl

Oh right. Well the paraffin heater’s nearly new.

Customer

No, the cosmetic surgery advert.

Girl

Oh, in the butcher’s window? Sorry. Have a seat. Right.

Gets out bloodstained order book.

Don’t worry, that’s liver. Now, have you been to us before?

Customer

No.

Girl

Thought not, as you’re not limping or visibly mutilated.

Customer

You mean things can go wrong?

Girl

Well, not every time. It’s just that Mr Heathbury, the surgeon – do you know him? – he used to be Heatbury’s Plumbing and Gasfitting in the High St, he’s got the drinker’s disease, delirium, what is it, delirium…

Customer

Tremens?

Girl

Yeah, when you shake. But it’s all right, we keep every-thing very blunt, to be on the safe side. And I’m forever bringing him in a coffee.

Customer

Into the operating theatre? But doesn’t everything have to sterilised?

Girl

The milk’s sterilised. I think that’s why he does so many breast operations, you know, somewhere to put his doughnut. So, what was you after having? Only I must tell you Mr Heathbury doesn’t do the below-the-waist, you know, the married organs. We don’t do sex changes.

Customer

Why not?

Girl

Well, we’ve had a lot of trouble with a Mr Brearley, who, you know, wanted the full conversion job, pipes re-laid, all on-site rubbish removed. And he’s been round here several times since, getting very unpleasant in a pinafore dress, complaining he still can’t get the top C on ‘Midnight in the Oasis’. So we just do the basics now, facial hair.

Customer

Removal?

Girl

No, we don’t do removals.

Customer

Do you remove facial hair?

Girl

Not properly. We can tint it for you. We do breast augmentation, providing we’ve just done a breast reduction and that we have the right bits left over. We do apronectomy, you know, removing the stomach flesh of overweight people, that’s very popular. In fact, we’ve had to hire a skip.

Customer

Do you do nose jobs?

Girl

Yes we do two. A big blobby one and a sort of little pointy one.

Customer

Why?

Girl

Those are the only ones he can do.

Customer

I was wondering – I’ve lost a lot of weight, I could do with having all the loose skin removed, here.

Girl

Yes, we’ve done that before. The lady came out with lovely upper arms, very tight skin. It was just that if she went out in the sun, she had to prick them with a fork.

Customer

I’ll leave it for now.

Girl

OK.

The girl stands up; she’s got three legs.

Customer

Good heavens!

Girl

I know, isn’t it awful – I can’t resist, it’s the staff discount.

Cast

Girl

Victoria Wood

Customer

Celia Imrie

First shown on Victoria—Wood As Seen on TV, on BBC2 in January 1985.