On Campus

Film. A modern university campus. Selina walks uncertainly round holding a piece of paper and a musical instrument in a case. She goes inside the Music Department.

Selina

(Voice Over) I’m partly wanting to go to university for the education, and also for the social life. Just the words, ‘on campus’, they just have such an exciting sound.

TITLE ‘ON CAMPUS’

Selina waits outside a door marked ‘Music Auditions’, the door opens, she grimaces at the camera and goes in. We hear the beginning of what is possibly a violin solo.

The audition room. Selina is playing for a panel of three elderly and middle-aged judges. She is playing ‘Ebb Tide’ on a Casio electronic miniature keyboard, very solemnly, with the sheet music on a stand.

Selina comes out of the room, shaking.

Male Interviewer

(Voice Over) How did you get on?

Selina

It was very hard, much tougher than I imagined. Loads of questions about people I’ve never heard of. Johann Sebastian somebody… I just don’t know… I think I played ‘Ebb Tide’ as well as I’ve ever played it. Fingers crossed.

The halls of residence. Cars pulling up. Parents and girl students carrying gear in. Camera follows Selina and her parents as they carry in a chest freezer.

Selina’s room.

Selina

Just stick it down here for now, Daddy. I don’t know where it should go till I get my Simon Rattle posters up.

Mummy

Lovely view of the tower, darling.

Selina

That’s where everybody commits suicide apparently. It was in the prospectus. Look, I’ll sort this out, you go.

Mummy

All right, lambkin. Oh, Daddy’s brought you a little present.

Daddy

It’s just some marijuana, something to hand round. The girl in the shop seemed to think it was the right sort.

Selina

I don’t know if people smoke it any more, Daddy, it’s not like when you were at college.

Daddy

Well, I don’t know, just chuck it in the bin if you don’t want it. Have you got a bin?

Selina

Yes! Honestly, look, I’ll be fine, do go, honestly.

Ad-lib farewells and kisses. Parents leave. Selina stands by the window, a tear in her eye.

Interviewer

(Voice Over) Homesick?

Selina

Well, it’s all a bit strange, that’s all. Room seems quite small now we’ve got the freezer in. I’ve never lived away from home before. Well, I’ve been grape-picking, but that was in our conservatory – didn’t have to go abroad or anything…

Noise of girls outside.

Suppose I’d better go and introduce myself, meet my mates. Sorry – can I just squeeze…?

Hilary’s room. Hilary and Selina sitting on the bed rather self-consciously, drinking coffee. Hilary had acne, wide thighs and speaks in funny voices.

Hilary

I’ve brought my guitar, so any peculiar wailing noises you hear through the wall, it’ll be me! Little me! Not so little, unfortunately.

Selina

I play ‘Ebb Tide’ actually, on an electronic keyboard. So if you fancy the odd duet…

Hilary

The odd duet! Very odd, if we’re playing!

Selina

Wonder how much coffee we’re going to drink before the end of term.

Hilary

Gallons. Gallons and gallons. In fact, I have to go to the loo, the lavatree. Excuse me a mo!

Selina

I think she and I will be pretty good mates. That’s Hilary – she’s doing religious studies and her second subject is netball, I think. She got here a day early so she’s going to show me the spin drier and the milk machine.

Hilary comes back in.

Hilary

There’s a place to dry your tights across the way – if drying tights turns you on!

Selina

Er – your zip’s undone.

Hilary

Whoops! That settles it. Back on the old diet. Can’t have the boyfriend going off me.

Selina

What does he do?

Hilary

He’s at school. Head boy, but we don’t talk about that.

Selina

You’re not really fat anyway.

Hilary

My hero!

Hilary’s room.

Interviewer

(Voice Over) So where are you off to tonight?

Selina

Well, tonight’s the last night of Fresher’s week, so everyone in Blakers, that Blakethorpe Hall, we’re all going to Peewee, that’s Peabody Tower next door. And we’re all having a sort of ‘do’ in the television room – so if anyone wants to watch the television that’s jolly hard cheese. And we have to dress a little bit crazily – not difficult for me. So I’ve borrowed this rugby shirt from a rather nice mech. eng student called Nick, and I’m wearing my school hat, just bash it up a bit – so I’ll probably miss my first tutorial. I think this part of the film’d better be X certificate.

TV room seen through window. A few wimpish students with tinsel in their hair are doing folk dancing. Hilary is on one side having a miserable time.

The Music Department. Selina is walking along the corridor.

Selina

I think I though everyone in the Music Department would be stuffy – really sort of classically orientated. But everyone’s really loony like me. We’ve got a wind ensemble, and there’s a really crazy string quintet with would you believe, two cellos! And I’ve started a – well it’s a pop group. We’ll probably start doing gigs quite soon, I should think.

A practice room. Selina on the keyboard, girl on the recorder, and two weedy boys on the oboe and the viola, are nearing the end of ‘Copacabana’, which they are playing very slowly and rigidly.

Selina

I think we really got somewhere with it that time. I liked the little legate bit you did before the double forte, Robin – very effective, wasn’t it, Tanya? Phew, I’m whacked. Where’s the Party Four?

Music. Tracking shot past all the lit-up windows of the hall of residence. There is a girl at each window studying by the light of an Anglepoise. At Hilary’s window we see her squeezing her spots and eating her last but one of a box of Mr Kipling’s Bakewell Fingers.

Hall of Residence. Corridor. Selina and other girls are giggling and closing the lift doors.

Selina

We’ve just put all Hilary’s furniture into the lift; and then we’re going to jam the doors. Get lost, she’s coming.

They scatter as Hilary approaches, in netball skirt and hockey boots.

Communal kitchen. Food lockers and Baby Bellings. Selina and friend Maggie are heating tomato soup. Maggie unwraps crumbly packet of Anchor.

Maggie

Some twerp’s been at my butter. Bet it was Hilary.

Selina

Maggie!

Maggie

Well, I bet it would have been if she hadn’t… God knows how they ever got her on the stretcher, legs that size.

Selina

Shut up, Maggie.

Interviewer

(Voice Over) Do you think you had anything to do with Hilary’s suicide attempt?

Both

No, not really, did we?

Selina

I think going away to university for the first time, it’s a strain on anybody, the lectures, making your own coffee, buying soap-powder, there’s a lot of pressure. And if you’re fat and ugly with a hopeless personality, you’re probably better off taking an overdose or something.

Interviewer

So you’re not badly affected by this business with Hilary?

Selina

I might have been when I first came, but not now. I’ve been here ten days and I can cope. Actually, it’s been great that her room’s empty, because I’ve got somewhere to put my freezer.

Cast

Selina

Tilly Vosburgh

Mummy

Barbara Graley

Daddy

Peter Bland

Maggie

Suzanne Sinclair

Hilary

Victoria Wood

First shown on Victoria Wood—As Seen on TV, on BBC2 in January 1985.