As sung by Victoria Wood on Victoria Wood real lifeóthe songs, CD number OMCD1212
I donít say "who". I do say "whom".
I never use the toilet, just the smallest room.
I donít say gay. I still say queer.
I think that Mussolini had the right idea.
Got engaged in sixty-two,
Got married in the April in a nice pale blue.
It all turned sour to say the least.
I was stuck in Abergele with a sex crazed beast.
Our wedding night, I heard a cough.
There was Harold in the doorway with his jamas off.
I said, "Now look, I must be blunt.
I couldnít give a begger on the whole sex front.
Not me, not my scene.
I prefer a game of rummy and an Ovaltine.
Harold dear, now do get dressed.
Iíve seen one in a book and I was not impressed
Once divorced, I lived alone,
Then I chummed up with a woman by the name of Joan.
She moved in. She seemed quite nice,
Wore army boots and braces, but I didnít think twice.
Then one night she seemed upset.
I said, "Are you not happy in my maisonette?"
She drained her rum and Babycham,
Ran here fingers through her crewcut, said, "I love you, Pam."
I didnít faint. I didnít scream,
Just carried on demolishing my custard cream.
She said, "Please come upstairs with me.
Let me show you just how wonderful a love can be."
I said, "All right, but donít be late.
Thereís a thing by Alan Bennett on at half past eight."
So up we go, and off she went.
But all I seemed to think about was Stoke on Trent.
Not me, it didnít jell.
I prefer a cup of cocoa and a Ruth Rendell.
Joan dear, do get dressed.
No woman over forty suits a mauve string vest
Then last year, to beat the blues,
I booked myself a cabin on a ten-day cruise,
So much to do, so much to see,
With a load of single women who looked just like me.
Then one night I clicked like that
With a bachelor called Billy in a golfing hat.
We were so happy hand in hand
Listening to a lecture on the prostate gland.
I told him sex had been no go.
He took it as a challenge and we went below.
We kissed and hugged without delay.
He tried to take my rain hood off. I said, no way.
He said I bet you ten whole pounds
I bet you have an orgasm while Iím around.
He got stuck in. He really tried,
But I only felt a tremor down my left hand side
Not me. Thatís my boast.
I prefer a bit of ironing and a slice of toast.
"Bill dear, do get dressed,"
But he just fell over moaning as he clutched his chest.
He went "Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!"
Well, it was that kind of sound.
Bill was dead. Heíd died for me.
They took him on a stretcher as I drank my tea,
But as I poured another cup,
I thought, I never had an orgasm, Iím ten quid up.
© Victoria Wood
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