Supermarket Checkout

An impatient woman customer is having her groceries checked out by a slow girl on the till. She looks at a packet of bacon.

Till girl

It’s got no price on. Did you notice how much they were?

Customer

No, I didn’t.

She looks round and holds up the bacon.

Till girl

Won’t be long.

Customer

Good.

Long pause.

Till girl

We’re a bit short-handed today. Us that works here gets the old food cheap, and if it’s something like a pork pie, you can actually die, apparently. So the girl that checks the prices, she’s probably, you know, passed on.

Customer

Honestly, I thought you girls on the tills knew all the prices.

Till girl

I’ve only come on the till today. I was in meat packing before, then an overall came free so I come here.

Customer

But surely you wear an overall when you’re packing meat?

Till girl

No, you must bring something from home. I had our dog’s blanket.

Customer

You can’t have dogs in a place where food is prepared.

Till girl

I didn’t. It’s dead. It were called Whiskey. It ate one of the pork pies from here.

Customer

But you do wear gloves, don’t you, when you’re wrapping meat?

Till girl

I did, woolly ones. I get lots of colds, I like to have something to wipe my nose on. I liked it in the meat-packing department, it were dead near the toilet.

Customer

Well it sounds disgusting. Who’s in charge of that department?

Till girl

Mr Waterhouse. He’s not here. He goes to some sort of a special clinic on Thursdays. I’ll do your veg, anyway.

She coughs and splutters all over it.

Sorry. I’ve caught this cold off Susan on smoked meats. They’re not smoked when they come, but she’s on sixty a day.

Customer

It’s all over the cauliflower.

Till girl

Sorry.

She wipes it on her overall.

Corned beef, ninety-eight. It’s funny how much tins can actually blow without bursting, isn’t it?

Customer

You can’t sell a blown tin.

Till girl

We can, they’re dead popular.

Customer

Oh look, how much longer is this going to take?

Till girl

Do you want me to ask the supervisor?

Customer

Yes, thank you.

The till girl speaks into intercom.

Till girl

Hello?

Intercom

Hello?

Till girl

Hello, Mrs Brinsley, it’s Gemma here.

Intercom

Hello Gemma, nice to talk to you.

Till girl

Nice to talk to you, Mrs Brinsley. How’s your boils?

Intercom

Worse.

Till girl

So putting you on the cheese counter hasn’t helped? Well, what I’m calling about, I’ve a lady here, and she’s brought me a packet of bacon with no price.

Intercom

Is it streaky?

Till girl

Well, it is but it’ll probably wash off.

She wipes it with a filthy dishcloth.

The sell-by-date is 5 August 1984. No, hang on.

She scrapes something off.

1964.

Intercom

Three and nine.

Till girl

Three and nine, thank you.

Customer

You mean that bacon’s twenty years old?

Till girl

I don’t know I was away when we did addings. (She finishes checking out the rest of the stuff.)

Customer

This place is a disgrace – filthy, unhygienic, the food’s not safe to eat, the staff are all positively diseased.

Till girl

That’s two pounds eighty-one pence, please.

Customer

On the other hand, it’s very cheap and easy to park. Bye.

Cast

Till girl

Victoria Wood

Customer

Celia Imrie

First shown on Victoria Wood—As Seen on TV, on BBC2 in January 1985.