The Waitress

	The Waitress

	Old-fashioned restaurant. Double swing doors lead off to kitchen. Nearly empty. Smart professional couple sit chatting, the woman (Jane) looking at her menu from time to time. Elderly waitress in traditional black and white uniform approaches very slowly and shakingly from kitchen. She smiles dotingly through false teeth. She also has a hearing aid.
Waitress	Ready to order, sir? Madam?
Man	Jane?
Jane	Er, yes, what's the soup of the day, please?
Waitress	(turning away) I'll just go and find out.
	She walks slowly back to kitchen.
Man	What time's your train?
Jane	Twenty-five to.
Man	(looking at watch) Oh. Well that's not too bad.
	Waitress fights her way through doors into kitchen and out again, and walks to table.
Waitress	Ready to order, sir? Madam?
Jane	(embarrassed) Er, yes, I wanted to know what the soup of the day was.
Waitress	That's right. (She tries painfully to remember.) No. I've forgotten. I'll just go and check. Won't be one moment.
	She walks to kitchen, sticks her head round door and walks back to table.
	Ready to order, sir?
Jane	(impatiently) Soup of the day?
Waitress	One soup of the day. Sir?
Man	My wife wanted to know what the soup of the day was.
Waitress	Oh yes. (painfully again, now quite breathless) It's cream of … No. I can't remember the whole sentence. (turning) I'll just go and check with the chef.
	She walks towards kitchen.
Jane	Look, let's just have it, shall we, whatever it is? We'll be here all day.
Man	(calling) Waitress, we'll have the soup anyway.
	She turns towards them, straining to hear.
	We'll have the two soups anyway.
	She hits her hearing aid and walks to table.
Waitress	I beg your pardon, sir. I didn't quite catch that.
Man	(shouting) We'll have TWO—
Waitress	Two …
Man	SOUPS.
Waitress	Soups. Two soups! (She takes out pencil and pad and writes.) One … (licks pencil) soup. And … (licks pencil) another … soup. Right away sir!
	She walks towards kitchen.
Jane	Look, let's just have a main course, shall we? Skip the soup?
Man	Shall we?
Jane	Yes, tell her.
Man	(calling) Waitress!
	She turns.
	We've changed our minds.
Waitress	Yes, isn't it?
	She walks into kitchen.
Jane	(looking at menu) Chicken, is that the quickest?
Man	It's no wonder this place is empty!
	Waitress fights her way back through doors carrying two bowls of tomato soup, spilling it in the process. She walks back to table with empty bowls and puts them in front of couple.
Waitress	Two soups!
	She walks towards kitchen.
Man	(looking at bowl) I don't believe this—these are empty! (shouting) Waitress!
	She turns, oblivious of his anger, and walks back to table.
	Oh, God preserve us!
Jane	Look, we'll have to go.
Waitress	Ooh, you must have been quite peckish. And to follow?
Man	We just want to pay and go. We're in rather a hurry—
Waitress	Hurry. That's right. That's on our menu: "Please tell the waitress if you're in a hurry."
Man	(in exasperation) And what good's that supposed to do?
Waitress	Well, it just makes it more interesting for us. "Please tell the waitress if you're having a nervous breakdown." "Please tell the waitress if you're related to Shirley Abicair."
Man	(getting up) Look, where do we pay?
	Jane takes her bag from table, gets up and takes her jacket from chair.
Waitress	At the desk round the corner, sir.
	They leave.
	Hope you enjoyed your meal, sir. (picking up bowls) No tip? Bastards!
	She walks back to kitchen with bowls.

	Cast
	This sketch was first performed in Victoria Wood—As Seen On TV (second series), shown on BBC2 in November 1986.
Waitress	Julie Walters
Man	Duncan Preston
Jane	Celia Imrie

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The Waitress

Cast