Turkish Bath

	Turkish Bath

	Two female attendants, both in bikinis over their everyday clothes, with the corporation towels round their heads, are chain-smoking and viewing the proceedings
Thelm	My God, if her bum was a bungalow she’d never get a mortgage on it.
Pat	She’s let it drop.
Thelm	I’ll say. Never mind knickers, she needs a safety net.
Pat	She wants to do that Jane Fonda.
Thelm	That what?
Pat	That exercise thing – nemobics.
Thelm	What’s that?
Pat	Our next-door does it. We can hear her through the grate. You have to clench those buttocks.
Thelm	Do you? She’ll never get hers clenched – take two big lads and a wheelbarrow. Who’s she clenching them for, anyway?
Pat	Who, next-door? She’s married again. He’s black with an Austin Maestro.
Thelm	Well, she’s got someone to notice then, hasn’t she? Our Jack wouldn’t. Liberace could come in with a long-line bra but our Jack wouldn’t twig on. First night of our honeymoon, I was in bed, he was making a hutch.
Pat	What for?
Thelm	Bugger only knows. Only bloody animal we’ve got’s him. Filthy. I’m taking his vest to the Antiques Roadshow. You’re separated aren’t you?
Pat	He’s living in the loft. He’s got the lilo and the slow cooker; we don’t speak.
Thelm	That’s the blue of our Margaret’s shower curtain.
Pat	Where.
Thelm	Them varicose veins, there.
Pat	Nice.
Thelm	Our Margaret’s coming off the cap. Says it’s dangerous.
Pat	That’s the pill.
Thelm	Is it? I better pop her a note through.
Pat	Can you not phone?
Thelm	The doctor says I haven’t to dial.
Pat	What’s that scar on Mrs Critchley? Appendix?
Thelm	No, it’s just where she’s nodded off on her Dick Francis. It’s very levelling, a Turkish bath, isn’t it? Take Lady Templeton, fur coat, Justice of the Peace – to me she’s just jodhpur thighs and an inverted nipple.
Pat	Is Miss Hardy all right? – she’s very still.
Thelm	She’s either passed out or passed on. Either way (she drags on her fag) I’m finishing this.
Pat	That’s her from the flower shop, isn’t it? Her with yellow flip-flops on.
Thelm	Them’s her feet, you traycloth.
Pat	Isn’t she bony?
Thelm	Well, I’m not rubbing her down. Like trying to massage a xylophone.
	There is the sound of a splash, a shriek, a gurgle.
	That’s another one dropped dead in the cold plunge. Water’s too cold. It’s getting embarrassing – men coming round to collect their wives and you’re saying, sorry she’s dead and here’s her teeth in a jiffy bag.
Voice	We’re ready for a rub down!
Thelm	Hang on! Where’s loofah?
Pat	Dog’s had it.
	Thelm picks up a foul scrubbing brush.
Thelm	This’ll do. You bring the Vim.
	They amble off.

	Cast
Pat	Victoria Wood
Thelm	Julie Walters
	First shown on Victoria—Wood As Seen on TV on BBC2 in January 1985.

Go to the list of songs.

Go back to my home page.